Part of my ritualistic Monday night House-viewing is turning on the TV and setting it to FOX, just to make sure I don’t miss a second of brilliance. This, of course, has its downsides, as I start cooking for House night around 7 (yes, an hour early), and FOX airs plenty of garbage before House comes on. The particular garbage I’m referring to in this instance happens to be The Insider. For those of you unfamiliar with the show, it’s a way to keep up with the latest stupid shit celebrities are getting themselves into. All with a running commentary.

I feel I should clarify something before I continue: I do not care about the lives of celebrities, generally speaking. Yes, it is unfortunate when one of them drops over dead. However, it’s no more important to me than the dozens of people in the obituaries every single day. The rest is just them leading lives with considerably more money than the rest of us, oftentimes doing things considerably more ass-backwards than most of us (there are stupid people in every walk of life, so I can’t justify saying celebrities are dumber than everyone else).

Now, digression aside, I normally tune this out and focus on not burning my food (or setting the apartments on fire), but I heard mention of actual news on there this past Monday. News that, on its own, had already sent me into a fit of rage. The whole thing about the Salahis crashing a party at the White House. We’ll get to my thoughts on that in a minute, though. Needless to say, my attention was grabbed away from the task at hand to see what these nitwits could possibly have to say on the matter shy of “Oh, at least they were dressed nice but that was wrong.” Sure enough, they ended up debating whether or not the Salahis should be thrown in jail for this. Oh, but it gets better.

Star Jones defended the Salahis actions, saying they should milk this for all its worth in terms of getting late night talk shows and so on. Really? They should? Because, and I do concede that I have a little bit of a mean-streak in me, I think they should be made an example of. Then again, my idea of making an example of the Salahis would be a cheerful public beheading before lunchtime. Enjoy the spectacle, then discuss it over lunch; that sort of thing. I can understand that it’s a necessary evil for someone to cover the less favorable side of an argument, but no one said you need to be passionate about it.

Let’s consider the facts, shall we? Two socialite jackasses crashed an important party at the White House. Let the gravity of that statement settle for a moment. This isn’t some random stranger showing up at your grandfather’s party and eating all of the food. It’s the effing White House we’re talking about. If I recall correctly, there are still quite a lot of people in the world who would love nothing more than to reduce the aforementioned location to a steaming, irradiated heap of rubble. The reasoning behind it?

To promote a reality TV show, “The Real Housewives of DC” or some garbage. This kind of thing positively blows my mind. First off, I would much sooner shove bamboo into my eye sockets than waste time watching such a show. No one wants to know about some guy’s arm candy bimbo and what she really does with her life. Secondly, what would possess someone to do this? Loathe as I am to do this, I don’t think those pesky terrorists that good ol’ Dubya kept talking about all up and left the planet when President Obama took office. Even without that to consider, this is the White House we’re talking about here. It’s not your local McDonald’s, you can’t just stroll on in whenever you damn well please.

What they did was extraordinarily stupid, and I think it’s only reasonable that they receive a hell of a punishment. To be fair, and profitable, to all parties, I have come up with this solution: the people at Bravo responsible for conceiving this show should be sentenced to five years, minimum, of being restricted to nothing but writing possible Seinfeld reunion episode scripts. Should this feat somehow be completed, the scripts will be rejected and need rewritten. Yes, I suppose this is a little cruel.

As for the Salahis? I believe FOX could benefit from a new reality TV show. Lets go with “Waterboarding Rich Assholes Who Make Terrible Decisions.” Since it would be airing on FOX, they could always do a picture-in-picture of Glenn Beck crying in the corner of the screen to take the stink off. I won’t even bother with Star Jones, because being on The Insider is probably punishment enough for anyone. To be fair, though, she should have to sit in on the next season’s worth of episodes while wearing a muzzle.

There’s no reason for this kind of stupid behavior. If you’re a celebrity and you really need to do something “daring” (and by daring I mean ridiculous and questionable), sneak into Mexico. Leave every possible form of identification in the US. Then try to sneak back in. In a perfect world, this would result in half of Hollywood disappearing overnight.

In closing, unless they’re channeling the spirit of Billy Mays, I don’t give a damn about what celebrities have to say; I’m just tired of them making headlines for doing ridiculous things like this. Oh, and I almost forgot. Good job, Secret Service. Good job. If you guys could be so kind, get me a seat next to big Joe Biden at the next event; I like my steak medium.